Thank you for sharing your experience in great detail @AverageJoe. This is not at all the experience we intend, and are happy to assist! Understanding the primary concern is the speed of notification and how it affects the speed at which an event can be answered live.
The best first step for any notification or video concern, is to check wifi connection. Check out our Community post about RSSI for tips on optimizing wifi signal to your Ring device. If wifi signal looks plenty sufficient, the next best step will be to check mobile device and app connection. Try removing and reinstalling the Ring app on your mobile device, and ensuring VPN is disabled.
Feel free to let us know how this goes! 